girl at large

I am missing almost all my little spoons. Twenty four years, two continents, three cross-country moves, countless apartments. And now? Gone. Where? WHERE DO THEY GO

Why does every daycare, every camp, every school, every aftercare have to have their own version of the same forms? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FORMS

Why isn’t there just one portal that holds all the current health, vaccine and contact records? Then the damn daycare, camp, whatever can just enter their social and bingo there’s all the info. Where is that app?

Speaking of portals…WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PORTALS? And why are they all so very very bad?

No, I cannot remember my username and password. Please torture me for the next hour by sending or not sending or texting or not texting the link and/or the code to reset my password. Oops, sorry, let’s start with the username. And a xanax.

The smells. Diapers were nothing, those contents are supposed to smell and we got used to it. Modern diapers and diapering equipment are chefs kiss compared to decades past. No, this is a new phase, an era….THE SHOES. WHY DO THE SHOES SMELL SO BAD.

Tote bags. Weekend bags. Hobby bags. Overnight to Grandma’s bags. Swim class bags. Things to do on vacation bags. Road trip car food bags. Beach bags. Swimming pool bags. (yes they are different). The bag of bags. Canvas, vinyl, leather, plastic, straw, even rubber. Zippered, not zippered. Long handles, short handles. This one’s too heavy. This one’s too small. I need more pockets. Damn, why do I keep forgetting things in the pockets? Graduated smaller zipper pouches that go inside the bags. A pouch for this, a pouch for that. WHERE IS THE PERFECT BAG

Why does the pant waist get so much bigger? Kids mostly grow up more than they grow     out. Waist fits? Great, these pants are actually capris, yes kiddos capris are in. Length right? Waist is size of a tractor tire. Sorry kiddo, I have to safety pin these in like six inches. WHY CANT THEY MAKE PANTS

Water bottles. WHERE DO THEY ALL GO AND WHY DO WE NEED THEM

Shoe sizes. Is a Little Kid 13 the same as a Big Kid 1? Is this brand US, UK or Euro? Is Walker the same as Toddler? WTF is Junior?  WHY IS IT SO COMPLICATED 

Safety. I can’t drive them unless they are buckled into a car seat that is anchored to the car, inspected by the Fire Dept. There are four stages of car seat, all required by law, all tested by the government. Car seats even expire! I can’t put my kid in the front seat until at least age 13. HOW IS IT LEGAL TO PUT THEM IN A CANVAS BICYCLE TRAILER

WHAT IS WITH THE GOLDFISH