girl at large

I like to write about life when you have a job, some kids, a fixer upper and a fatal disease.

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Category: Cancer

  • Clear Air

    I snapped today. One of my cancer care team said “warrior” one too many times and I finally let them have it. As much as my squeaky, raw radiation laryngitis voice will let me anyway. I hate warrior/hero/battle culture. I am not any different than any other cancer patient. It’s all suffering. We all suffer.…

  • The Growth That Doesn’t Kill You

    Now that we can be social again, I get a lot of questions about my cancer. Some are kind, some are strange, most are simple enough—the basic how are you doing/feeling/coping. Once in awhile a query is profound. A very dear friend, with a talent for getting to the heart of the matter, especially when…

  • Burned

    Which one of these is HOT honey? Trick question, they BOTH are! Eat a spoonful of honey the nurse said. I’m going to recommend eating straight honey the radiation oncologist said. Oh yes, you’ll have to do the honey trick the nurse navigator said. Even my own mother advised honey to sooth my sore and…

  • Holding On To The Feeling

      We have the Adirondack chairs, we have the greenery…can we hang on to the peaceful feeling? Our trip to Kentucky’s Shaker Village was four satisfying days of gorgeous scenery, fresh air, birdsong and heavenly biscuits. How can just one day back to treatment (daily radiation) and work frazzle me so quickly?! Deep breaths I…

  • Yes Really

    Intake nurse: “How are you?” Terrible, I feel like crap. I have pain all the time and I’m exhausted. Intake nurse: “Oh really? But no fever?” Blood draw nurse: “How are you doing?” Terrible, I feel like crap. I have pain all the time and I’m exhausted Blood Draw Nurse: “You’re having pain? That’s odd”…

  • Waiting Is The Hardest Part

    Mastectomy feels as brutal as it looks. I thought I would feel better by now, week 4. Not completely better or healed of course, but much better than I do feel. The three drains are still in, and still producing more than 30ml of fluid each day. One of them, the bugger, likes to produce…

  • In The Trees

    “Everyone is different” says every oncology doctor. Recovery from surgery is no different than chemo in this regard. Ask a question, your doctor will give you the no answer answer.   So, I don’t even know how I’m doing because there is no yard stick. How am I doing compared to last month when I…

  • Full Upright Position

    Paulie is serving us pretzels and ginger ale in bed tonight because Charlie’s class is pretending to go to Israel this week and Charlie first freaked out about going on a plane without his family, and then once we explained, was totally bummed about not getting to experience flight. Paulie brought them to us on…

  • Pancakes

             I had enough energy today to make Sunday morning pancakes. They were very handy for explaining to the kids, and a bit to myself, why surgery day is a good thing. 

  • Holy Crap That Was Awful

    This is the first three week cycle where I didn’t get the cytotoxic chemo drug in my infusion. I had no idea. I don’t think I really grasped how sick I was even on my “good days”. There was a predictable rhythm the fourth, fifth and sixth cycles—I was “fine” for three days after infusion…