girl at large

I like to write about life when you have a job, some kids, a fixer upper and a fatal disease.

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Category: ranting and raving

  • Bitter Pills

      Hi there Wisconsin State Politician,     I'm writing in SUPPORT of the bill to regulate pharmacy benefit management companies and require them to pay independent pharmacies at the same rate as others, and to give patients the right to choose their pharmacy without penalty or significant cost difference.    I’m so glad I caught news…

  • What Did You Think Would Happen?

                                  Our gender clinic has “paused” taking new patients. Appointments and therapies have been cancelled. My son’s next appointment is “safe” for now, but only because he’s already on the medicine. If this had happened just nine months ago, we wouldn’t…

  • Where Are Our Hearts?

                      I thought I could handle it. I thought—we are privileged, our support circle is strong, we have medical contingency options. Just put our heads down and shoulder on for four years in our blue bubble and we will be ok. And we will be. (Lots of…

  • A Year in Review, More of the Same

              91 Doctors appointments 54 Physical Therapy appointments 36 Mental Therapy appointments 19 scans 16 weeks medical leave 11 days in the hospital 4 days in the ICU 2 infections 1 sepsis 0 concerned calls, texts or emails from my sister and brother.   The number of concerned calls, texts or…

  • “Can We Talk About How This Is Not Dairy Queen?”

                      the kids and the Clauses take a coffee break “Can we just talk about how this is NOT a Dairy Queen?” It’s one of my favorite quotes of all time, from a visit to a local burger ice cream shack in small town Nebraska that everyone…

  • Spuds and Duds

                    The kids cos-playing Republicans at the hotel. I really try too hard. I try to do too much, too fast, too everything. But damn it, someone has to give this sorry-ass-ragtag-dysfunctional family a nice Thanksgiving! My siblings aren’t speaking to me, and that’s all I can say…

  • Cancer Is So Rude

      I was heading to my new breast cancer center, navigating a hospital building shaped like a traffic circle to my first chemo in my new location, my new doctor, my new care team. An unfamiliar space, a familiar procedure. The elevator popped me out at the second floor; I turned to study the direction…

  • Seeing Myself

              I’ve been working with a therapist for the past year to deal with the fear, grief and upheaval of metastatic cancer life. Dealing with cancer now brings up a lot of stuff from back then. All your old messed up shit comes rising up to the surface when you think…

  • The Yoga Lady Has No Robes

                  I had an unsettling interaction with a provider this week. I was seeking some physical therapy relief for my Woody Fibrosis Neck (caused by radiation), chest scar adhesions, and restricted range of motion on the right side. Pretty basic stuff that my usual PT handles well, but this…

  • Abortion Made Me A Good Mother

    I’ve written and rewritten todays post, alternating between feeling bold and feeling uncomfortable. Here goes bold: Abortion made me a good mother. When I was 17, my birth control failed. I knew immediately that abortion was my choice. I knew I was supposed to feel bad about it, and I did some performative dramatics about…