girl at large

 

 

 

 

 

91 Doctors appointments

54 Physical Therapy appointments

36 Mental Therapy appointments

19 scans

16 weeks medical leave

11 days in the hospital

4 days in the ICU

2 infections

1 sepsis

0 concerned calls, texts or emails from my sister and brother.

 

The number of concerned calls, texts or emails from my sister and brother in 2023, 2022 and 2021=0.

 

The cold shoulder is not a boundary, it’s a weapon. It’s meant to hurt. It works. It hurts. I give. 

 

I debated a long time about blogging on this subject. I have been careful in twenty years of public journaling to broach work subjects and family conflicts with sensitivity, or in most cases, not at all.

 

But I have to process the pain, and this is where I do that work. Here and in the paint pans. I don’t know how to describe what has happened, because I don’t know what has happened, I don’t understand it. In the case of my brother, I literally do not know. Everything was fine (well, not fine, he hasn’t reach out to me at all during my cancer treatment), but then he went from being mildly neglectful to downright hostile, ignoring me and never answering the question of what was wrong? He even blocked me and my husband. (Paulie? Really? Seriously the nicest, most clear-headed, even-keeled person we know? Blocked?).

 

So, new landscape for me. How to process profound pain and grief while also considering privacy? How to have my say but respect theirs? How can I when they don’t participate? I’m treated as if I’m already dead; ignoring someone with a terminal diagnosis is especially cruel. It feels like a tiny death every time an email, a message, a plea is unreturned.

I’m invisible, they’ve rendered me voiceless. Except here, so here is where I am. 

 

Cancer makes strangers of family and friends of strangers. I know two things for certain about cancer—

 

It takes over your life.

You’ll be surprised by who shows up and who doesn’t.