girl at large

I like to write about life when you have a job, some kids, a fixer upper and a fatal disease.

  • 48F6BE23-0A8B-42D0-805F-1AB68933AAB3

    I have breast cancer. It’s an aggressive type, fueled by my own hormones, and like a constellation it has traveled in a great arc from my breast to my sternum, out to my arm and up past my clavicle. 

    I won’t go in to the story of how I was diagnosed, why it wasn’t caught “earlier”, or the howling anguish of the last thirty days. Not yet.

    Today I’m ready only to say that things look bleak but also better than they did a week ago. It’s all horrible but also I’m very lucky. I feel like shit but I’m also ok.

    Journeys are fun. This is not a journey. I hope, someday, it will be just a story.

     

  • 48EAA8E7-46E3-4A86-8DAB-D99DF8BF0CD2

    I’m trying to convince Paul to be on time for this morning’s grocery store pick up appointment by just going in his pajamas. He won’t do it.

    “Paulie, have you seen how people dress here?! Even in your pajamas you have more buttons on right now than the average Wisconsin man at a wedding!”

    Happy Birthday my love. Next year will be better. Le Mans is waiting for you. 

    So are the groceries. There’s booze in that order, get going.

  • 56EDDF57-B6F8-4251-A49F-A3F80BC55A1F 2662EFAF-24D8-420B-A3DE-67EBBADE93B4   
    8271B223-FDA2-40B2-9269-0C5F0089CE3C 

    We helped Mom move into a new apartment in her building the first week of July; one that is just a bit roomier so she can have more studio space, and it has an updated kitchen. She had quite literally worn out the previous unit’s 1970’s era kitchen. I’m still haunted by how close in time frame that move was to our Covid exposure, but somewhat relieved when I recall that we were extra diligent about masks and keeping physical distance, especially from Mom. And the kids haven’t been in her presence at all since they had returned to daycare. Still, it was a close one, and it nags at me.

    So, we certainly don’t see Mom in person at all now. But that doesn’t stop us from getting the new place set up right. Some things don’t change, life marches on, furnishings must be arranged. I mean, have you met me? And we all know Pat hasn’t changed. Her reply to my photo messages for example:

    “No I threw those pots in Chicago. Yes it’s a crock pot. One fan for head the other for feet. glad to make your day. Mom”

     

     

  • B8763982-8153-4E6D-98E5-A90EDAE02CFD

    The night before the positive case notice, when we still had summer at our house.

    There’s a lot of Covid information out there, and a lot of it is confusing. Sometimes there’s a source that combines smarts, facts and a style of communicating that really works for me. Below is one of those posts, and very timely one to boot.

    This bit of critical information became very real to us when I asked my physician father if we had to be masked indoors all the time with Charlie even if there was a good chance of already being infected (it was 10 days from exposure to test).

    He explained that the initial amount of virus as well as EXPOSURE OVER TIME can affect how sick you get even after initially infected. That bit of information, easily absorbed in a visual and visceral way, made it much easier for me to embrace this whole-family, always-masked Isolation stage with a bit of hope. Having an action that I can take to help my family is taking back a little bit of my role as a parent.

    The saddest thing for parents and caretakers is when this thing gets in your home. Until now, this house was our safe place. The very place where we had stayed for so long to protect them.

    ——-

    Here is the post I’m referring to:

    Hi, I'm back as Robin-Schoenthaler-the-Boston-cancer-doctor-who-writes-about-Covid.

    (And it’s okay with me if you want to share.)

    Today I’m talking about how Masks May Be Magic.

    Massachusetts is still okay, trending up a bit in terms of numbers of cases but hospitals are fine, deaths are low.  

    The rest of the US outside of the Northeast:  it’s just unspeakable.  The numbers are unfathomable.  

    How bad is it? 

    Here’s an analogy:  

    More or less, the US is having one Wuhan a day.  Remember how terrible Wuhan was and ended up being?  That many cases are happening every day in the US.  

    Here’s some statistics: 

    How fast are cases exploding? 

    0 cases to 1 million cases: 98 days

    1 million to 2 million cases: 44 days

    2 million to 3 million cases: 27 days 

    3 million to 4 million cases: 14 days

     

    Here’s a story: 

    Every Thursday night I listen to this whiz kid Infectious Disease doc from Texas talk about Covid.  She talks non-stop for an hour and whips through about 55 papers, summarizing study after study after study.  She’s like the kid in high school who was absolutely the smartest person in the room and made it look easy; she’s amazing.  

At a recent broadcast she was quoting a paper and all of a sudden she started crying.  I couldn’t even figure out what was happening (I was doing dishes in my Eternal Multitasking Fashion) but when I stopped loading the dishwasher and looked at my computer screen, there she was, wiping her eyes and weeping.  That’s what life is like in Texas.  

    In the midst of this misery, let’s talk about something positive.  Let’s talk about masks.  

    I love masks.  Right now they feel like are like our magic protectors, like holding garlic up in front of Dracula, or wearing a special amulet that keeps the evil eye away.  

    Or maybe like wearing a condom and not getting syphilis.

    Why are masks particularly important with Covid?  

    Well, as with Everything Covid, “we are building the plane while we fly it.”  We are accumulating data as fast as we can and some trends look promising. While some of this may change over time, for now this is what we know.  

    First off, it appears, unbelievably, that the rate of people who are infected but have no symptoms is around forty percent.  (These are people who had positive nose swabs but stay completely asymptomatic.)

    FORTY PERCENT!  It’s awesome that four out of ten people don’t suffer from the disease at all, don’t have long-term sequelae, etc.  

    But it also means four out of ten people who have Covid have absolutely no idea they are infected, don’t know they’re contagious, don’t realize that every time they speak/yell/cough/sneeze they may be spewing tons of infected confetti all over the place, don’t know they may be an actual danger to family and friends. 

    But if they're wearing a mask, they’re not so dangerous.  

    There is now a good amount of research, old and new, showing masks filter out the majority of viral particles.  All masks matter, to varying degrees.  Without getting into a song and dance about the exact numbers, here’s the basics: 

     –N95s are better than surgical masks

     –cloth masks are way better than nothing

     –two masks (one on me, one on you) are better than one

     –having it on your chin doesn’t work 

    Masks can work to protect other people from your infection. 

    and

    Masks can work to protect you from other people’s infection. 

    and furthermore

    Masks can work to protect you from getting ANY virus inside you. 

    Masks can protect you from getting LOTS of virus inside of you.  

    You always need a certain amount of viruses spewed at you like the above mentioned confetti to get sick. It can’t be just one solo virus — it has to be thousands.  Masks have been shown to cut those numbers down.  

    Even better, there is evidence that the volume of virus that gets into your mouth or nose is related to how sick you get.  So when you wear a mask and hang out with people wearing masks, early studies seem to indicate you are increasing your chances of having milder disease. 

    It even appears that masking increases the rates of being asymptomatic!  In some very interesting early studies, we are seeing this happen. It’s happened on cruise ships, it’s happened in food processing plants — even in the midst of big outbreaks, infected people who use masks are more likely to be completely without symptoms.

    When we don’t wear masks, we have more deaths. We saw this so tragically in Italy and New York among health care workers. 

    When you do have places mostly masking (eg >80%) you may well see fewer deaths.  San Francisco (a great masking place, like Boston) has had ONE death since July 16 despite 1500 new cases.  And deaths have stayed low post-surge in the Far East countries where masking is part of the cultural norm and most countries where masking had been mandatory. 

    This is not to say that masking is a miracle cure-all; we still need physical distancing and hand washing and staying home when sick.

    Still, what a lot of reasons to wear a mask: 

     — you don’t have to walk around with the guilt of being Patient Zero

     — you have less chance of getting it

     — you probably have a higher chance of being asymptomatic

     — you may well have less chance of getting super sick

     — you may have less chance of dying of it

    And you won't make your doctor burst into tears in the middle of a presentation.

    by Robin Schoenthaler July 26, 2020, Facebook.

  • E2B8B727-F398-4A06-9C2C-2DD66145BD41

    I had a blind spot.

    I wear a mask all day at work, we require our customers to do so too, and we control the entry to the store to keep capacity low. We only see my mom outdoors, and with masks on. We’ve cancelled every trip, even Elkhart Lake because the hotel didn’t have a mask policy for guests. We haven’t set foot in a store or a restaurant since March. Paulie is working from home indefinitely. Viv’s two-week day camp doesn’t allow contact with parents, requires masks when indoors (yes for the kids too), does temperature checks and screening. Viv’s regular summer daycare has the same tight procedures—no parents in the building, masks, no crossover with groups of kids, temperature checks and screening.

    Charlie.

    Charlies daycare, which we started back five weeks ago, just didn’t ramp up the way I expected. Their occupancy when we started was super low, and I saw masks on about half the parents. When I saw an unmasked parent, I just waited in the car to time my pick up or drop off after they exited. They had hand sanitizing stations, closed early for daily cleaning, and a list of covid protocols that included social distancing, no room crossing, etc.

    But the two biggies—controlling entry in the building and masks. On those they seemed to drag their feet. I kept nudging; I asked, I wrote. When I sent a list of my concerns, especially compared to the two other centers we experienced doing it better, they only made the two smallest changes on my list. They buried their response to the mask question in a technical non-answer four paragraphs down. As the numbers continued to rise these last two weeks my gut said something isn’t right.

    But my heart.

    My heart just didn’t want it to be true. My heart kept saying:

    We love Miss V. Charlie loves Miss V.

    I want him to have that same experience in her room that Viv had.

    We love Miss K and Miss C and Miss A. They know him, they care about him. They know his stubbornness and laugh at his silliness. And Miss S! Miss S who recorded story time EVERY DAY for weeks during shut down! 

    He needs the interaction, he needs to see his playmates.

    He’s so much better since he’s been back! Behavior, attitude, resiliency!

    He’s so much happier and energetic.

    He loves his playmates, he talks about them all the time and is so happy to see them every morning.

    He needs the routine.

    I don’t want to abandon my friends. My co-parents. (Daycare providers are our co-parents.)

     

    I kept thinking, maybe just need more time to get it, they will see the writing on the wall with the numbers. Maybe they have good reasons, maybe I just don’t understand, maybe there’s something they know that I don’t? (about daycare regulations). These people take care of my family. They are part of my family structure. They are trusted. But, but…why is the director not wearing a mask? Why is the owner dodging my questions? 

    The day that we finally said, nope, they have to adopt masks or we will pull him out, the day that we had finally decided was our deadline, was the literal day that they had a teacher test positive. One of Charlie’s teachers. 

    As I communicated more these past two distressing days with other parents and teachers, it became clear that we were not alone in our concerns. And that we had been misled. They had not been truthful when I asked if other parents had concerns. It is clear they had no intention of ever adopting a mandatory mask policy. In fact, in the days just prior to the positive case, they had received an exception to the City of Milwaukee mask mandate that they had ACTIVELY APPLIED FOR. 

    When we picked Charlie up, in total crisis mode, I asked the OWNER of the center, “Why no masks!?”

    She replied “Well, we encourage masks”, as she handed me the Close Contact Exposure notice from the health department

    ”Will you make them mandatory now? Now that you HAVE A POSITIVE CASE? They reduce transmission!” I screamed, unable to contain my rage.

    ”Well, it depends what you read, not everyone believes…” Believes. That word.

    This is the insidious danger. This woman, who controls the livelihoods of 20+ people, who had power over the well-being of 40+ families and children, doesn’t BELIEVE in masks.

    And that failure to understand science, that failure to trust experts, that failure to see your community and employees and clients as worth taking extra precautions for, that failure to see your organization as part of the larger fabric of society has broken our lives.

    And our hearts.

     

    ——–

    (7/21 Update and Clarification: they applied for an exception to the City of Milwaukee mask mandate for children age 3. They complied with the City of Milwaukee ordinance for adults (staff, teachers, parents) to wear masks IN ONLY THEIR LOCATION THAT FELL UNDER THAT ORDINANCE. They did not apply that same protocol to their other locations, because, as they repeated in two emails and a phone call, our location's municipality did not have an ordinance). 

  • 12E05258-2A90-4671-8904-B95C7E733234

    “Firefighter Dan came to our school Mama and we sat outside and he put on a funny mask and we got to talk to him and ask him questions after he gave us badge stickers”.

    Oh, what question did you ask Firefighter Dan, Charlie?

    “I asked him about the Great Chicago Fire”.

    Wait, what? You asked about what?

    “Yep, but Firefighter Dan didn’t know too much”. (shakes head)

  • 285C70B8-5E18-4FB2-BC3A-0E36EE18E66B

    Things are not back to normal. They shouldn’t be. The kids are back in daycare and I’m back at the store, which means no other activities for us, our exposure is just too great. I’m worried for myself and for others. I’m worried I’ll give it to someone. So, while the rest of the world returns to entertainment and bars like nothing ever happened, we are doing a daily balancing act.

    To treat the kids this weekend to a bit of at-home summertime “normal”, I ordered a HUGE inflatable kiddie pool water park thingie…

    It came in a tiny box.

    This is going to be fun.

  • A237B67B-1678-4ADC-A183-74626605DF7D

    I went out beyond my house yesterday for the first time in many weeks. My exciting adventures out into the world have never before had such a modest destination. How did it feel? What thrilling things did I experience? First, I have forgotten how to drive. And Brown Deer Road is still uuuuuuugly.

    When the governor relaxed some restrictions for retail businesses last week, I was extremely nervous. I felt pushed to move faster than I could be ready for, it moved the timeline up by two weeks. But I was coming around, with every preparation it got easier to imagine a store being open. And now finally having help (PPP funding means my furloughed coworkers are back!), I felt a bit better that it could be done safely. I was beginning to see the path.

    Then, wham, the court knocked down the Stay At Home order, and people got stupid. 

    Driving out to the shop I saw many groups of clustered people, very few masks, stores open, clumps of people waiting in unspaced lines and inside small stores, non-family groups walking…a city-wide rush to be alive. All made worse by a sunny day.

    Driving down three commercial strips I could see many examples of good Covid and bad Covid practices in action, sometimes right next to each other.

    Crowds of people waiting inside closed doors at the Jimmy Johns? Not good. A cluttered second hand junk stop with no clear shopping path? Not good. Groups of friends outside catching up and loving on a neighbors puppy dog? Nice, but not good. The lake must be the new destination for lesbian couples because no way dozens of pairs of walking ladies are all each related.

    You know why I get upset when I see someone out without a mask? Because even though yes, you probably don’t need it on a solitary walk, I don’t know your plans.

    I don’t know when I might turn a corner and my solitary walk bumps face first into your solitary walk. I don’t know if you have a mask in your pocket and just needed a break. I don’t know if you aren’t wearing one because you forgot it, or because you don’t care about the risks to yourself and others. No mask leaves so many questions.
    Wearing a mask says you’ve taken the time, the effort to be safer. It takes effort to get one or make one, it takes priveledge in many cases. A mask is a sign that you’re taking this seriously and I can trust you. And if you are privileged, helllloooo my white lady neighbors…who the fuck do you think you are not to wear one? Oh right, that says exactly who you are.

    Back to my drive…from the road I could see that Traders Joes has it right, with spots marked outside where folks were waiting 6’ apart (actually looked like maybe 8’). I felt confident that I could go there and be as safe as possible. (If I ever dared into a grocery store again. I have got the online ordering & random night time delivery thing down, love it, might never go back).  The risks are too high, the chances too random to allow myself to feel anything but secure.

    But that’s just my concern for myself and my family. What about the employees? The staff that have to be there to serve and corral the reckless? Try to manage customers and sanitation when the company didn’t get them enough equipment or instructions? Who do you think you are to put your need for a sandwich above their health and safety? Who are these corporations that have opened without proper training, supplies, and support? I won’t be a part of that. If my destination doesn’t do it right, I’m not going.

    As you can see, I even like my parking socially distanced.

     

  • IMG_7935 (1)
    Here is a photo of 3 1/2 year old Charlie painting the basement wall during quarantine to show that Paulie isn't always a softie.

    Paulie and I have long argued that he dotes on the kids too much. Of course, the other side of that argument is that I am Slacker Mom. Or Strict Mom. Or just Exhausted Mom.
     
    Tonight, as usual, tired Paulie was drawing pictures of the full cast of The Muppets on demand, making multiple snacks, and sitting in a chair 5" off the ground. I offered to take care of the kids the remainder of the night so he could go rest early. Two minutes later Charlie announces it's nighttime, puts down his crayon and goes up the stairs by himself. He gets undressed and tucks himself in. Viv makes them self an ice cream treat and then follows.
     
    So, I'm either Slacker Mom or completely, 100% totally boring to my kids.
     
     
     
  • AC79C76D-D6B5-49BB-BA56-ECEE38A7AEEC
    (Delivery truck and crew by Viv, circa 2018)

    Pro Tip: when supporting small and mid-sized businesses, keep to the services and products they have OFFERED. Don’t ask for more. Don’t ask for an exception. Don’t ask for shit Karen. 

    The phased back to work plan can work, but only if we observe all the safety guidelines. The next phase can’t happen is the first phase fails.

    Don’t assume everyone has the capabilities to meet those safety procedures right this minute. Just because they technically CAN do business doesn’t mean they are READY to do business.

    Many businesses laid off and furloughed their staff.  Bringing staff back too soon is financially risky, and not the right decision for folks who make $50k or less. Many staff CAN’T come back because they have underlying health conditions or are caring for their own families. Or they don’t want to because they know their job functions are inherently risky or that their employer may not be capable of making their work environment safe. Or they may just not be ready to come back for WHATEVER DAMN REASON THEY HAVE THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS ACTUALLY.

    Businesses literally probably cannot physically do more than what they offered you. Be grateful.