Category: Cancer
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I’ve been working with a therapist for the past year to deal with the fear, grief and upheaval of metastatic cancer life. Dealing with cancer now brings up a lot of stuff from back then. All your old messed up shit comes rising up to the surface when you think…
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Today was a Bed Day. For every three to four Doing Stuff days, I have one Bed Day. I’m working hard to suppress the bad feeling about staying in bed all day (thanks a lot capitalism, Lutheranism and midwestern mythology). I’m working on accepting my “new…
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Me: “Therapy was tough this week. She suggested I’m holding on to this grudge because it’s easier and less painful than facing my mortality.” Mom (aged 79): “Well, I’m having to come to terms with it too.” Me: “What is that like for you?” Mom: “Losing you is going…
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When I got home from the hospital, the first thing I did was take a long shower and do all the things—shampoo, fancy body wash, every lotion I own. The kids, who didn’t know I was out of the hospital, came home about an hour later and ran right up…
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Cancer blew up my life, sepsis has blown up our summer. We’ve had to cancel two of our little summer adventure trips, reschedule our beloved Shaker Village trip, and I missed my painting retreat on Madeline Island. The Madeline Island art school was kind enough to let…
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My arms and hands are bruised from the many many blood draws and IV sticks. My veins became unruly by day two, my skin blooming with purple and green blackberry splotches after every failed attempt. There was never more than three hours of uninterrupted sleep. The second day, my…
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It’s been almost a week since we returned from our epic Nebraska road trip, but I’m not yet feeling back at home. We returned Tuesday evening and went right back to work and school, and for me, Chemo on Thursday. I’m having a hard time with this…
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Bald Reality I’m a middle aged, menopausal midwestern mom with a chip on her shoulder about unrealized artistic potential. I have deep-seated insecurities about my ability to create “real” art and be a “real” artist. So, I use self deprecating humor to dodge any real discussion about my goals…
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I had an unsettling interaction with a provider this week. I was seeking some physical therapy relief for my Woody Fibrosis Neck (caused by radiation), chest scar adhesions, and restricted range of motion on the right side. Pretty basic stuff that my usual PT handles well, but this…
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I’ve been ruminating on being 50, dying younger then I planned, and what I want to be when I grow up. It’s been a challenging few months; the recent down slope of this Cancer roller coaster has been a long, slow descent this winter and now into spring. I’m working on…
girl at large 